Prehistoric legends: Advice about romance from someone who’s forgotten

Jim Wilcox, Guest Writer

   Dear Professor Wilcox,

   I’m a freshman here at SNU and really love it. I especially like not having you for a class this semester. I’m so less-stressed. Anyway, I was wondering if you could give me some sage advice about a boy-girl thing I’m going through. Here’s the deal: I’m in love with a senior who will be graduating in May and I’m not sure she’ll be able (or willing) to wait for me for three years. She’s headed to France for the summer and if she loves it there, she’ll probably stay until I graduate. Do you think I have a chance of keeping her with all those dashing and debonair Frenchmen hitting on her? She’s a stunner.

–Signed, Sleepless at Southern

   Dear Sleepyhead,

   You’ve got about as much chance that she’ll stay faithful to you in France, for crying out loud, as Payton Manning has in passing an “Omaha-audible-Omaha” touchdown. Forget about her. That older woman has strung you along all this year because either you have a lot of money or you’re the son of one of her professors.

   Maybe you should start scoping out the high school girls at a big church nearby. They would think that that blue and yellow high school letter jacket with all the band instruments on it that you still wear looks fantastic with your LeBrons.

–Good luck, Cheese Boy

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   Dear Prof. Jim,

   I’ve been going to school for five years and I still don’t know why the Valentine’s Day Big Night is called “Heart Pal,” do you?

–Signed, Clueless at Southern

   Dear Sophomore,

   You have really been here for five years or are you counting those AP courses you took in Texas? I wish you luck, Swiss Brains, as you finish up your criminal justice degree in prison. I really don’t know why the school calls it “Heart Pal” unless it’s short for “Heart Palpitations,” which I used to get BIG-TIME when Tena Leopard walked by. It’s probably called “Heart Pal” because “it’s always been called Heart Pal.” (That’s the standard line.)

   Did you know, however, that the event was originally dubbed “The Reveille Echo Marathon Dance and Koolaid Challenge”?  The R.E.M.D.K.C.(spelled backward it means “Check da mirror”) court elected its queen solely based on the number of red Koolaid tumblers she could slam. For weeks, people could pick her out in a crowd because of her fire-engine red tongue.So I suppose it could be worse.

–Good Luck, Rose Bouquet

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   Dear Professor Wilcox,

   Are you the old sociology proff or that English proff everybody hates? I’m not very good at this romance thing, but I really think the guy who sits behind me in albegra is a dead-ringer for Justin Bieber, not the new one, but the old one. Anyhoo, I was kinda wonderin’, you bein’ a man and all, what you could tell me that would get his atenttion and ask me out.

–Full-lipped Shyness

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   Dear Shy Lips,

   What grade are you in, child? Your spelling is atrocious, and so I imagine you’ll have to look up that word in a d-i-c-t-i-o-n-a-r-y to know how bad your spelling really is. Are the letters A, C, T, and I, Q in your alphabet? I think the first thing Mr. JB-Lookalike would want in a date is one who doesn’t drool.

   Anyhoo, you could sing one of Bieber’s “big hits” if you can remember one. You could comb your hair forward without using a mirror. You could have your teeth laminated. You could drive cars that cost a $zillion. Wrecklessly fast. And act like you’re entitled. He might or might not notice you, but he sure will be jealous of you.

Now you have good day, Miss Lips, OK? And buy a Webster’s app for your sellfone.

–I’m outta here.