Prehistoric Legends: grades, global warming, shoes, and headstones

Jim Wilcox, Staff Writer

If you want some sound advice, do not read this.

(These are real questions asked by real students.)

Dear Professor,

Since grades have become so controversial, why can’t we just study and learn without being graded?

Signed,  Marina

Dear Marina,

Are you crazy? There would be chaos, rioting in the courtyard, protests on the chapel steps if we took GPA’s away from our over-achievers.

Teachers would argue that students have no incentive to learn without the final judgment of a grade.

Parents would home-school pre-med majors and church pastors-to-be. Do you really want a doctor like that, cutting out your brain’s left hemisphere where grades are stored?

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Dear Professor,

Why was there no Powder Puff game this year?

Signed,  Heather


Dear Heather,

Global warming.

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Dear Professor,

Why do humans have to wear shoes?

Signed, Matt


Dear Matt,

Well, there’s no law that forces humans to wear shoes, just like there are no laws against “riding an escalator” rather than “walking up an escalator” or saying stupid things like “irregardless,” “where are you at?” and “I could care less.”

It’s all about celebrity endorsements. What other item of clothing could LeBron James peddle if not his line of $billion shoes? Headbands made out of gold? Shorts for bow-legged men?

The American economy would skid to a stop (get it?) without the shoe industry. When was the last time any of us truly wore out a pair of shoes? Like never?

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Dear Professor,

How soon is too soon when it comes to buying your cemetery plot and headstone?

Signed,  J.C.


Dear J.C.,

Frankly, it’s never too soon. Write a “living will” and your mind will rest more soundly.

At my age, I had to decide maybe 25, 30, even 35 years ago what I wanted to happen to my remains. In fact, my college roommate, Al, and I stayed up nearly all night telling each other how we wanted to be buried.

(Al finally decided he wanted to be buried in several hermetically sealed mayonnaise jars.)

I, myself, would like to have my cremated remains put into a pepper shaker so at future Sunday dinners, my grandchildren can ask for the salt and papa.