Jessica De La Cruz, Staff Contributor
Jessica De La Cruz is a junior English major destined for greatness. She’s currently working on world domination plans with her associate, Amy Calfy. However, that has come to a temporary halt until she receives her bachelor’s degree. [/author]
I am a genius and knowledgeable about everything; therefore, I can guide you in these troubling times to success. Don’t know what to do for finals? Well, read this article and you will know how to handle every last test, presentation, paper, or whatever it is that is your final.
1. You need to quit studying. No one who has ever received a good grade in a class they studied for. The people you see working their butts off studying are all the ones failing that class. If you want to regret every choice you ever made: study. Otherwise, don’t follow their example.
Instead, go out and frolic in our environmentally damaging green grass. Go out spend the entire day, better yet week, with your friends. Relax and have fun all day. When the time to take the final comes, you will be sure to ace it!
2. Don’t seek the professor’s help. Don’t ask them questions. You think they want to make sure you understand the material. No! You think they care about your future. Of course not!
Instead, make sure to ask Google, because it knows everything. Ask someone else like the student that never shows up to class. He/she is surely to answer some of your burning questions. You could also not ask any questions. Remember, you are not supposed to be studying and finding answers to questions anyway.
3. Don’t do any kind of physical activity! Gross; who needs that in their life? Don’t go the gym to relieve stress. Don’t even walk around your building. Why are you making yourself tired?
Instead, go eat a snickers or M&Ms. Seek some chocolate and fried foods. Eat a whole pizza if you can. Drink gallons of soda and energy drinks. What you need is comfort food and sugar. Anything unhealthy you can think of, eat/drink it! Also, make sure to send someone else to get it! The less amount of movement you make, the better!
4. Finally, do not prioritize your time and figure out what you need to get done. Why waste time on trying to secure your future? Why are you trying to get the best grade possible? Seriously, stop being the best person you can be.
Instead, don’t worry or even think about finals. If you wish, leave campus early. Manage your time unwisely. Binge watch those shows you are behind on. Spend 3-5 hours on YouTube. Be free my friend. Be free.
My advice will make you feel at ease these last few weeks of school. It will be like finals don’t exist at all. However, if you fail, it was the professor’s fault, not yours (or my advice’s fault). They must have not liked you. Sue them.