Tis the season to be bloopered

Prof. Jim Wilcox shares some hilarious bloopers in his traditional end-of-semester column. (Photo by Barbara Piancastelli used under Creative Commons license)

By Jim Wilcox, Guest writer

Not that this matters to you of course, but most of the people on campus who are over 40 and have begun that long slinking into their shoes – the older we get, the shorter we become…and our feet start getting longer. It’s God’s plan for our coffins – may remember that I collect student bloopers and put them in the last ECHO issue of the fall semester.

It’s like a Christmas gift from your haggard uncle. So without further nonsense, let’s get to some really memorable gems.

“Chicken Express is very covenant” (That’s a promise of convenience.)

“Because of the abnormality on the cell-protein, the mucus of the cell becomes ticked.” (You’d get mad too if folks were talking about your abnormal mucus.)

“Cyclists like Lance Armstrong are people’s heroes and remodels.” (“Yeah fellas, just go ahead and take out that trophy case, will you?”)

“Sex is a natural process that should only be endured by adults.” (That’s not what Dr. Phil says.)

“He does everything he can to bring the word of Go to those who need it most. (It’s called “The Great Omission.”)

“If a person is exposed to a decibel of 150 or higher, it will cause instantaneous rapture.” (Must be talking about trumpet volume.)

“This is the common fear of athletes, especially when they are in season.” (I guess even adult athletes have to endure it someday.)

“It is even more difficult for people to find the motivation to get off the coach.” (People love a winner!)

“The human body has natural defenses against extreme tempters.” (Sounds like a Republican to me.)

“People started to conjugate around Jesus.” (OK here we go everybody. “I fish, you fish, he fishes, we fish, you fish, they fish.”)

“I’d like to do my exa-Jesus on “The Sermon on the Mount.” (That’s fine. Just be careful of pair-of-oxes.)

“Since those two things could not have happened at the same time, these events could not have happened simultaneously.” (Obviously, those two events are thinking and writing.)

“They could have created a law, so drivers would become more couscous.” (We could call it “Semolina’s Law.”)

“Please excuse my abstinence today.” (Hey, we all make sacrifices.)

“The athletic fields are far from being close.” (Oh, wiser words have ere been written.)

“He was immediately thrown into the wilderness for 40 days with wild beets.” (Yeah, but did those beets ever conjugate?)

“The NFL has struggled to contain head injuries.” (That’s what you call a “no-brainer.”)

“A higher education provides the opportunity to gain a carrier.” (That’s important when your child’s school has “Carrier Day.”)

“The second footman empties the chamber pots. And Kenny, the hall boy.” (Kenny was always overflowing with empty enthusiasm.)

“Too many hours are taken up by facebookers, updating their statues.” (Apparently no facebooker has updated “The Thinker.”)

“This available amount of money will go to improve kids leaving condition.” (Go on, get outta here, you little beggars!”

“Advertising companies tend to materialize children in a negative way.” (Abra Kadabra. A Raggedy Ann!)