‘Death is life-altering’ and other fun facts

Jim Wilcox, Guest Writer 

My students give me joy in so many ways, but in the afternoon, when I’m waist-deep in essays, the joy they provide me with a typo or ill-chosen word or phrase can be, well, life-altering. Here are a few “bloopers” I collected this semester.

“Bulimic individuals have chronic soar throats.”  (Soaring with each tree swallow)

“One problem is that the smart a lick inmates could just be giving false information.” (How smart can they be, Alec?)

“How about the connivance of a echo app?” (How about aiding and abetting a smart a lick inmate?)

“Daisy Miller is an unfortunate tail of a woman.” (Any woman would think a tail to be unfortunate)

“The redesigning of the gymnasiums should include the expiation of the building.” (“Dear Lord, forgive our gyms”)

“If some kids were to do that then it would end very baldly.” (Tell me about it)

“Pray for him as he has evasive surgery.”  (“Come here you stupid scalpel”)

“It will catch your eyes glaring at the screen the whole time—like a loin does to its prey.” (My loins are roaring right now)

“Daniel would prey three times a day.” (Is this the Daniel in the loins’ den?)

“He worked as a dental remover” (To get him to retire was like pulling teeth)

“Then God sent someone to annotate the king; God said, ‘This is the who should be annotated to be king.’” (This story is found in the Oxford Annotated Bible)

“The massager was sent to find a king worthy.” (Did he vibrate?)

“He stood silently with his eye gloating across the room.” (“Eye am SO COOL!”)

“Odysseus follows the patter of the monomyth.” (Such a pitter, that is.)

“Gang member could be out sailing drugs.” (That’s putting the “sea” back in cocaine)

“A woman carns 92 percent of a man.” (The other 8 percent comes on her birthday)

“This school has a choice either to get rid of the [lifestyle] convent and watch enrollment go up or continue the convent and the enrollment will go up.” (I don’t believe nun of that, son.)

[in a book review] “The Fall of the Hose of Usher” (Well, they do a lot of walking)

“Her waste was 24-inches around..” (OUCH!)

“These hot leather pads were hot.”  (Were they now?)

“Recently I ordered a chilly-cheese coney.” (Try putting it on a hot leather pad)

“Jonah got up and ran to a town called Tarnish.” (It had a bad rep)

“…the man said with a trimmer in his voice.” (That could cause a chronic soar throat)

“A hurricane swept over the land, as a vacuum cleaner was to devastate a minor piece of dust.” (Must be talking about Hurricane Hoover)

“There were waves the size of all 32 NFL teams combined and a Giant Squid the size of the whole Atlantic Ocean.” (Must be talking about Hurricane Roger Goodell)

[About skydiving] “I dream for my only contact with the ground to be my limbs.” (This is one dream that will likely come true)

“I do not like friction books—they’re boring. (And some are just plain abrasive)

“All of our lives at some point have we to be able to make our own dissections. (Starting at the left hemisphere of the brain)

“Gay marriage is nonsense and a straight oxymoron, like hot ice cream.” (You had me at “straight”)

“He gives straight forward information, but doesn’t go anywhere with the stamen that he made.” (There’s an oxymoron in there somewhere, I’m sure!)

“God sent angles down to shut the moths of the lions.” (I hope they were the right angles – and I’m so glad those moths were not on the loins, aren’t you?)

What do you think?

%d bloggers like this: