Jim Wilcox, Guest Writer
All 987 of us, give or take a couple-dozen who have already left campus for counseling jobs at a number of junior high and senior high camps in the Alps and other idyllic settings, are glad that the semester has come to a mind-grinding halt.
For one special friend, her entire career has come to that same halt. God bless me.
So it is time again to share with you a few of my favorite bloopers from freshman essays. I have a good 1,000 of these and my hope is that my special retired friend will put them together, get them published and give me all the credit (and royalties).
“They have a thrift store, a food bank and an outreach program, all under one building.” (I can’t even fit a rack of firewood in my cellar.)
“One of my coaches had a jackal and Hyde personality.” (I’m sure he now subscribes to the AARF magazine.)
“The begging of this country was founded on the constitution.” (Those are called “entitlements” in Red States.)
“The causes of control and power have taken over the world in ways the four fathers would have never imagined.” (All four of them? I wonder if they could screw in a lightbulb.)
“The NCAA basketball championship is the greatest because of team parody.” (Rutgers University is truly a college basketball parody.)
“Hey Mister. Look out! There’s muffin, rolls, beagles, all kinds of bread flying all over the place.” (If those beagles are anything like mine, there’s a lot more than bread flying all over the place.)
“The man was the loan survivor of the Reaver attack.” (But at two percent interest, that loan goes down 40 reavers a year.)
“Human beings are glutens for punishment.” (We do like our sugar.)
“I want to be cremated and my remains shattered on California beaches.” (Just the big chunks. The dusty stuff can float down gently.)
“Maxine died expectantly in a motorcycle accident.” (Was a sidecar involved?)
“Miss Dowd was born in Gasoline on July 2, 1937.” (“Well, the first thing you know, Miss Dowd’s a millionaire, the kinfolk said, ‘Dowd, move away from there,’ said, “Oklahomie is the place you oughta be, so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Bethany.”)
“Save me a spot of you get there before me.” (OK, which do you want first? The spot of me or to get there before you?)
“Dumping unwanted material into the water can lead to people to eat their own waste.” (What could be more unwanted than that?)
“Finding one’s place in this big crowed world is important.” (Didn’t Hitchcock make a movie about big crows?)
“A noun family referrers to a group of parents and children.” (Note to self: teach more grammar.)
“All sources of creation and all languages medicate on him.” (I blame Obamacare.)
“Pastor Tudman began with the beginning of his sermon.” (I think I stopped with the beginning of this essay.)
“Victims of human trafficking are not always runways.” (Sometimes they’re railways or roadways.)
“A child from ages 2-200 years old should wear a seatbelt.” (AND STOP TEXTING!)